…there’d be a lot of conditions  and points to consider. A LOT. Like, you just might not wanna bother trying to ever convince me. Trimming a lawn with dental floss might be a more inviting task.

Seems to me that a threesome is the top glamorized, sexed up fantasy wishlist item for every man out there, whether he admits it or not. But I have an answer for everything. Every. Damn. Thing. My works of reason will suck the joy out of flying kites and eating cotton candy if you let me.  And since I’ve been asked, to the same final NO each time, I’ve had time to do my research and perfect my arguments. Feel free to borrow them and use to negotiate or negate. I won’t judge you!

These would be my terms:

1) Number Three cannot be another dude.
I think this one is pretty obvious, but that down low ish will catch you sleeping if you let it.  Who are these women who are cool with that much meat coming at them at once? And who are these guys who agree to it? Crossed swords just sound awkward for everyone involved. If I were to see that, I’d look askance at my man every time he undressed. I can only imagine how my  man might feel. YUCK.

2) We need to agree on taste in women. I get final approval.
She can’t be everything your overweight-midget-with-a-limp-porn fantasies demand and leave me with this face: O-O I don’t care what I agreed to, I’m leaving. And since this activity is to fulfill something you want, I don’t think making sure she’s not a The Hills Have Eyes reject is a small request.

3) She cannot be someone already known to you.
If you come up so handily with “Geeee, I just happen to have a friend…”, that tells me you scoped her out before we had this conversation, perhaps even for other reasons of your own.  Sorry, but we can’t use that one last heaux you meant to fuck but didn’t get around to number you took in the club before we got together.  We’re also not using your freaky ex. She is NOT rocking with you tonight for old time’s sake. Reminisce booty? Not on my watch, Bub.

4) We have to agree on how to find her.
We live in the internet age, but is this something you really want to take an ad out for? How does a couple go about finding a third in a safe way, without sounding like a Bonnie & Clyde/Kidnap You For Prostitution Ring scam? Craigslist is skeevy. We’re talking about inviting someone into our bed, not asking them to come take our leftover sofa for $20. I don’t want those used cushions. Thanks. O_o

Other options include hitting up a swinger’s club (I’d go, but just for shits and giggles with my partner), befriending a stripper and talking her into it, hiring a professional, bar hopping and hunting together… so many choices and none sound appealing to me. I guess the best one is bar hopping and hunting together. Takes away the ability to pre-plan it, as you never know when/if you’ll find her, but it’s a way to make sure everyone’s on the same page and do the deed before anyone can think about it too much.  SIDENOTE: I don’t know the best way, and you shouldn’t know and be too eager with the suggestions here either, Buddy. BE. EASY.

5) I don’t want to have to see her ever again. Anywhere.
Running into her after the act, by accident, in a normal course of daily life, would be less than ideal. We can’t choose someone we might see at the grocery store, someone only twice removed from our social circle, or connected too closely to our daily lives. She’s not auditioning to be a new BFF to either of us. She’s disposable. (Sorry to all you ladies that have been 3s, out there reading this. Truth hurts.) In that spirit, sub-rule 5 is that neither of us can contact her solo. If we both reach out, that’s fine, assuming it has  been mutually agreed upon. I mean, maybe it’ll be a good night afterall! Hey! Who knows! Freak how ya wanna freak! But neither of us can make contact without the other being privy and part of it.

6) I don’t have to tell you what I’m NOT doing with Number Three, do I?!  DO I?!?!
Okay good. Because that shit’s not even happening on your birthday, on Christmas Day, Canada Day, Doris Day, the day you won the lottery…NO. I. WON’T.  ::straightens hair and ditches the crazy eye:: That said, ladies, agree on limits with your partner so as to manage expectations for everyone involved. *cough*

Overall, all these conditions are rooted to one thing for me: trust. It’s a major factor. We’ve all seen the threesome-gone-wrong movies. What if she’s crazy and and wants me for herself? Oh, yeah…I mean…or you…yeah…you all for herself.

For this reason, some say it’s something to do with a person you’re not emotionally connected to or invested in, making it more an activity to be had with a jump-off or a fling.

I disagree. Flings and jump-offs owe you nothing and discretion is a fading art form.  I couldn’t even see this scenario with someone I couldn’t truly trust. I’m a firm believer that in a real relationship, you should be willing to “go there” with your partner and try new things at least once in an environment where you can be free, safe, and comfortable.  If anyone IS uncomfortable, you never have to do it again. No judgement. No fear. Just safe exploration between two consenting adults. Right? Yeah. In a perfect world anyway.  But why not increase the odds of a good outcome? I can’t imagine THIS much freedom or comfort with a transient.

Lots to think about before agreeing, and some of these aren’t so easy to consider, but they usually ended the conversation where it stood. Imagine having a dusty, 2 inch thick, bound agreement thrust at you at the mere mention of “menage”. Yep. That’s the effect these rules have.  A threesome could be a great night to remember and repeat or the worst moment of your relationship. Don’t take it too lightly in the name of a porn .

Whew! Thank God I’ll never have to worry about any of this because I’m not the type to have a threesome…but if I waaaaas…

...Angry Sex…And Other Things* I Don’t Understand, By Eva
::bows and opens theater curtains::

Girlfriend on argument with live-in boyfriend: “He’s trippin. ::tears:: We haven’t spoken in 2 days. I’m so mad about XYZ. ::snot-filled breath:: I don’t know what’s gonna happen with us. I even slept on the couch.”

She then drops the deets about the angry sex they had in the kitchen a few hours before that.

Me: “Girl…get out my ear. I have work to do.”

I don’t get it. Angry sex, that is. Now, I can hear some of you already, saying I’m nuts and it’s some great lovin’ and I don’t know what I’m missing blah blah blah blah blah…  But here’s my point of view.

Let’s say my partner and I have an argument. I’m not a big proponent of going to bed mad. On the few occasions when I have done so, I tossed and turned and woke up feeling terrible about whatever he and I were quibbling over. I’ve even dreamed about the rift! It’s like personal punishment on TOP of the disagreement! In the past, it’s even been enough to send me right into his arms with an “I hate that we argued – let’s just let it go.” I can’t hang. I’m not built for all that.  We’re gonna talk this out here and now, because if it goes much longer, I’m gonna be pissed that it did, on TOP of whatever already had us pissed to begin with. And if it’s truly a serious, multi-day matter, then we deal with it till it’s done. That’s how I solve mess.

What I don’t do though, is stop mid-argument and give you some pissed-off pussy. I just can’t! Shit, that doesn’t even sound appealing! (Say it out loud: “pissed-off pussy”! YUCK!) If we’re arguing, and it’s truly a matter that has us disagreeing, I’m not trying to give you an all access pass to Disneyland cloud the matter with physical intimacy. If I’m mad at you, I’m mad at your penis too. Don’t touch me. There either. It’s a little too up-close and personal if we’re beefing, in the most personal of ways.

::side-eye:: I heard that! Yes, it IS still personal, even if she’s bent over the side of… uhh…nevermind.

Now, yes, some may say that that is using sex as a weapon. I disagree. For me, I feel like being intimate mid-argument diminishes whatever emotional or factual point I had to begin with.  In life, you’ve seen people say before a debate or public speaking engagement that “picturing the crown/opponent nude will put you at ease” only half as a joke. The theory is that it’ll make the speaker take the crowd less seriously, thereby making the speaker less nervous to face them. No thanks.  I’d like you to remain just as nervous to face me as whatever the situation demands. Take me and this pussy seriously, dammit.

I also think that men and women process sex differently in a relationship. Sometimes, sex wipes out whatever else is going on. I’m generally an easy-going person, with relationships that aren’t normally spat-filled. If I feel strongly enough to bring it to conflict, I’m not risking it being disregarded over some ass. I actually have heard guy friends say “I hit – how mad can she be?” Sir… ::lowers glasses:: SIR!  I have batteries handy, thanks.

To illustrate just how awkward angry sex seems to me, I wanted to show you the leg-scissors scene from the 1989 classic “War of the Roses”, but can’t find a clip anywhere. Here’s the next best thing. Picture sex, in the middle of the following exchange.

I don’t know, but “angry peen” doesn’t sound appealing to me. I’m literally being stabbed with it! Am I alone? Ladies? Angry sex? What say you?

*There’s actually no other things. It just sounded cuter that way. =)

UPDATE: Found it! Just don’t listen with the sound on. I think it’s in Russian. Hilarious sounds, but NSFW because it sounds like a porno.

Unless you’ve been under a rock, you’ve seen the new craze that’s sweeping the nation: getting busted with wang pics (yours, or someone else’s) in your email/phone/twitter inbox…etc.

Anthony Weiner (insert allll those penis jokes here) couldn’t tell us “with certitude” if the wang in question was his…till he told us that and a lot more in a circus-style press conference, copping to every sordid lie and nipple shot transmission. Sexting while in office. And married. With a pregnant spouse no less. Bad, Anthony. Bad, bad Anthony. But, as he emphasized, he never met any of the women in person! Just sexting! Who’s cheating?!

Kimmy K was alleged to have had a fling with…uhhh wait…well, some black NFL player. I know. Nothing new there, ‘cept that the accusations put the fling on the same timeline as her current engagement to Kris Humphries. Oh wait! It allegedly all took place on the phone, over text, and email. Just harmless, wholesome sexting! No cheating here either, folks!

::side-eye::

These stories in the news have people examining their own moral compasses to ask: what’s really cheating? Remember when the prime argument was “getting some head isn’t cheating”? Bill Clinton took that one right out the window. But technology has ushered in a new avenue. Skype sex via computer (ew…creepy), mobile Facetime, text messages, videos sent with one click – there’s 100 ways to pretend-fuck a person. So, is sexting the new not-really-cheating?

Do those actions count if they’re not REALLY happening, just being discussed? Fantasized about? Collaboratively acted out across ISDN lines, rather than on satin sheets? Still, it seems almost impossible to defend the notion that a whole fling can happen with two parties never meeting in person or feeling a single warm touch.  But somehow…can it?

The dictionary defines “cheat”:

“to defraud, swindle; to elude, deprive of something expected; to violate rules or regulations”.

In relationships and marriages, there’s an expected amount of fidelity implied by the status itself. Flirting is usually the toughest non-physical threat to that unspoken promise. Can relationships handle an onslaught of cyber booty? Are we supposed to “update the relationship model” to accommodate it? Or is monogamy grandfathered in to all future technological communication mediums?

For me… I think anything that would make your partner feel hurt or betrayed by expressed affection or desire toward someone else…just might count. If I pledge fidelity to you, I shouldn’t be recreationally talking about breaking that fidelity with him with the casual defense “it’s nothing – we never met”. The mental connection, the desire to do what you’re speaking of…sometimes that is realer and more powerful than any physical touch can be.

Ultimately, I think each relationship has to define “cheating” for itself. Every partnership has its own boundaries to set, and decide what falls outside of them. One man’s harmless flirting is another man’s blatant sexting. And while you can’t say with certitude what your partner will feel about it if you get caught, just know that they CAN say with certitude if that’s your wang or not. Think about it before you press “send”!

A married girlfriend of mine said THE most ridiculous thing to me the other day.

“Quickies are for you single people. Married people don’t do that.”

Huh? First off, who the hell are we having quickies with if we’re single? That’s a short one-night stand/booty call in that case. But that’s my side observation…

Here she was telling me how busy they are and how they don’t get down to business often…and yet she was saying that a quickie has no place in her life. Ma’am, I see the unfilled space between your legs in your life for it!

Do people really think that way? That a “quickie” isn’t for people in marriages or long term relationships, but only for people who aren’t committed in some way? To my way of thinking, a quickie can be a great way to keep the spark going in long term situations. Dating, married, or otherwise, once you lose the “adventure and wow”…well…to me, what’s the point? One of you is going to be bored. One of you is soon two of you.

Let’s start with a bare bones definition to strip away any negative connotation you may have.

quickie: a brief or spontaneous episode of sexual activity, with the couple finishing it in a very short amount of time.
source: Wikipedia

See that? It refers to time spent, not status as a pair. If you’re married grandparents with 10 free minutes to slip into the janitor’s closet at the old folks home…welp, why not! Being spontaneous with your partner is important at any age/commitment level. A quickie can be a relationship’s unsung hero.

What about meeting your significant other for lunch and landing in a hotel room instead? Sure, they’ll be surprised…that’s the point. And you’ll both head back to the office with a healthy glow and a secret smile.

There’s also always…um…well…its taboo but…workplace sex.  It’s tricky and could potentially cost one of you a job, so this isn’t for everyone. But assuming one of you has your own office with lockable door, why not call a meeting and engage in deep throat discussion? Think about how shocked and excited he/she would be to be leaned over the desk or reclined in their chair while…you get the picture. You’ll score some spontaneity points here for sure…as long as no one has glass doors gets fired.

Kids at home? I can understand where this is a hard scenario. I’m a mother myself. But they’ve gotta sleep sometime! Tired though you both may be, your partner and your sex life are worth meeting for 15 minutes in the bathroom/pantry/garage, aren’t they?  One caution: avoid most top loading washing machines. That door is pretty flimsy support and…oh…uhhh…nevermind. Just buy the Maytag warranty. Trust me.

Fun fact: an ex and I once slipped away together to the bathroom at a party.  We chose one that was out of the way during a time when most partygoers were pretty sloshed beyond noticing our absence. We came back all post-coital smiles, they were all drunken smiles – win all around! Do be respectful to your hosts though. Gauge the setting and you’ll know if it’s even an option. Hint: your grandmother’s 90th birthday party? Not a place to try this one.

Every relationship is different, and everything doesn’t work for everyone. But to completely rule something out, to not try every potential idea to keep the sexual spark…well, that’s just foolish to me. Try new things!

Sometimes, the things I hear from married friends makes me think that marriage is a sexless place, full of robotic monotony where I never want to be.  But I know that’s not true. Like everything else in this world, marriage is what you make it. That goes for married sex too.

I can say without a doubt…when I do get married…we’re makin’ it alright…all the damn time…possibly even at your party…

::adds self +eventual 1 to your permanent guestlist::

Cheers!