Hey! You! You’re An Internet Douche. Quit It.
21 Jan
I know. I did it to you again. I took a hiatus. I’ll fill you in on what the hell I’ve been doing in another post. BUT…while I was away…I see what YOU’VE been doing. You’ve been being an Internet Douche. On The Twidda, on Facebook, and especially on the Douche Tool De Jour: Instagram. And I don’t like it. Not. One. Bit.
So I want you to raise your kissy-face-picture-taking hand and take this pledge. Say it out loud, say it strong and proud!
1) I will stop doing single-outfit-bedroom/bathroom-sink-photoshoots for Facebook/Instagram/Twitter, etc. I realize that ten pics of me wearing the same clothes, at the same dirty sink, with the same face and only slightly different “eyebrow faces” are not believable as “random candids”, no matter what insightful hipster captions I may write beneath them. I understand that I look desperate for attention, vain, or both.
2) In 2012, I will cease to use the terms “zoo” or “movie” to refer to an evening of hoodrat shit with my friends. I understand that popping a few 40s and doing our best “thug poses” for the camera wouldn’t qualify for those terms at any rate, and under no circumstances will I use the nonsensical word “zoovie”. My Ciroc fantasies are simply not that epic. I hereby throw “zoo”, “movie”, and “zoovie” in the trash…and toss “swagu” in with it. If something’s dripping from me, it’s most likely not a slang pasta sauce derivative.
3a) Ladies: This year, I will find a new pose. I acknowledge that the skeptical half-mouth trout pout only makes me look like a sarcastic fish. I realize this isn’t attractive, let alone to be done in all my pictures.
3b) Guys: This year, I’m retiring the strange “point-at-dude-next-to-me” pose. It’s not clear to me that two guys, standing side by side pointing at each other is…well…pointless. Ditto this for the sunglasses in the club poses and the 6-dudes-smiling-with-one-bottle pics.
4) I will stop bragging about my drink choices, especially if they came from rhyme-necessitated phrasing in urban music. I further understand that “Marvin Gaye and Chardonnay” is not a drink. Unlike a “Bartles and James”, I cannot buy a six-pack at 7-11 and bring it somewhere.
and finally…
5) I vow to learn the difference between “slander” and “libel” by reading their definitions somewhere other than Twitter.
Actually, let me help you with that last one:
slander: Law . defamation by oral utterance rather than by writing,pictures, etc.
libel: Law . a. defamation by written or printed words, pictures, or in any form other than by spoken words or gestures.
b. the act or crime of publishing it.
Meh…what am I saying…You read me, but you ain’t HEAR me though… {See what I did there?
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*Photo edits courtesy C.J. Figgs because I’m lazy as hell today…




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