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5 Ways to Turn Her On! Just in time for cuffing season! http://bit.ly/cBDTfE

New post on this site coming Thursday!

There’s no way around it: break-ups suck.  Everyone has their own way of coping: a break from dating in favor of self-inventory and healing; non-stop nights out on the town to party away the blues; seclusion on the couch with tissues and a pint of ice cream; ex-bashing fests with your circle of men/women friends. And then there’s a time tested classic, favored by a male friend of mine a few months ago: a good old-fashioned streak of fast-paced man whoring.

Unlike the others, based on emotion, this one is based on primal instinct and driven by sheer lust. The motivating factor here? Simple. New pussy. But it’s not just break-ups that can trigger this. There’s many scenarios when the thrill and chase of Eva’s Law of New Pussy may be applied. None of them noble; all of them real. Let’s discuss a few, shall we?

• The Break-up “New Found Freedom” scenario: Since I already mentioned it, let’s talk about this one first. He’s broken up with his girlfriend of X amount of time, and suddenly you see him in a tagged Facebook pic with a different girl every week. Classic application of Eva’s Law of New Pussy. Post break-up man whoring gets the old flame (temporarily) out of his system by replacing her in his face and in his bed. These women are usually nothing like whatever the ex was. They are to purge her and wipe her away. If the ex had her life together, these are stellar underachievers. If the ex was a raving beauty, these look like distant not-as-pretty cousins (think a switch from Jennifer Lopez to her sister Linda. O_o Yeah, I really said that, too). If the ex was a brilliant business mind who could inspire and help keep him on point, this one finds her welfare forms confusing. Yes, kids, ’tis a dismal assortment, this particular application of Eva’s Law of New Pussy brings. Once he’s sewn some freedom oats, normalcy usually returns pretty quickly. (In other words, he then starts drunk-texting apologies to the ex he just purged…save him from this if you’re truly his friend. She saw the pics – she knows he’s a heel.)

• The Boredom scenario: Yes, I know. Cosmo makes a killing telling women every “put your finger here to make your man knock your foolish ass out” tip they can dream up each month…and guess what? Your partner might still get bored.  The ADD set and those with short attention spans are especially vulnerable. Rather than focus and try to reinvent what they already have, enter the application of Eva’s Law of New Pussy. A sidepiece in secret or a flat-out break-up and instant replacement are the usual move. These too may be completely different from Current Pussy, afterall, he’s already got her…what does he need another her for? Alternatively, he may be a collector, with Current Pussy and New Pussy having much in common. (I find this incarnation a lil sick…but to each his own…) BUT, remember the ADD/short attention span factor? This one doesn’t last long because after a little bit, you know what New Pussy becomes? Are you ready? Old Pussy. You weren’t ready. *ahem* Moving on…

• Hunter/Hunted/Conquistador scenario: Ahhh, the thrill of the hunt. As primal an instinct as can be. It’s why men don camouflage and huddle close together in the woods with firearms. It’s why they blow oddball, honking whistles in the forest and congregate around lakes. It’s why they prowl 2nd Avenue bars on Tuesday nights, keeping a keen eye for the girls doing shots at the bar. Enter Eva’s Law of New Pussy. What will this girl do for a Klondike bar a seat in VIP with bottle service? Remember that scene in the movie “Hitch” where a playboy named Vance says:

I just want to, you know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out…

That’s all that is kiddies. Eva’s Law of New Pussy in action. Perhaps the lowest of the low, this application is pretty slimy, but it happens every day, in every city. Please don’t be that girl tied to the hood of his Benz as a gory trophy.

As I said, these are just a few of the many instances where Eva’s Law of New Pussy is applied in the real world. Comment and share your stories of seeing this in action. Ladies, have you ever been New/Old Pussy? Gentlemen *cough*, are you brave enough to speak in the first person? I’d loooove to add your story to the Field Guide to New Pussy!

::drops quill pen and closes leatherbound journal::

“…We can make up our own rules…”
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City 2 when Anthony quips about being “allowed to cheat” in his marriage to Stanford

“…Well, no…you can’t…Carrie, it’s MARRIAGE…”
-Charlotte York, in shocked response

Or can you?  This summer, I feel like everyone around me has been talking marriage and weddings. It’s either their own, one they’re in, or one they’re attending. Either way, it’s all my mother Twitter timeline wants to spew at me.  And it has had me thinking about how I feel and what I believe about marriage and fidelity as a whole. And my conclusion: I don’t have one. I know what I want in my heart (honesty, fidelity, to be my spouse’s “the one” – I’m a hopeless romantic)…but then I look at this world and play the odds. Marriage remains sacred, but people are still human. How do we reconcile the two?

The plain truth is that simply because a person gets married, they don’t suddenly stop finding the opposite sex attractive.  Eyes, a heartbeat, presumably working genitals…they’re going to see someone and be attracted at some point during the marriage. What makes the difference tho, is action. Marriage means they vowed not to act on it. But your spouse’s mind? Still churning long after she’s sashayed down the street or he’s gone back to delivering UPS packages in a form-fitting uniform. Sorry, that’s just real. ::shrugs::

I think back to the marriages in my family and culture. I’m old school West Indian. There’s no delicate way to put it: Caribbean men, especially successful ones, have earned a reputation for being unable to keep it in their pants being ardent fans of the female form. In their youth, we look at it as them getting their running around “out of their systems”.  But sometimes it’s not all out of their systems before marriage.  A mistress on the side, and sometimes whole other families, are the common secret that is never spoken of in many households. There are unspoken rules that govern the whole set of politics…and they are quite involved. From my great-grandfather to my first cousins, I’ve seen their bullshit dynamics in action. Never open disrespect, never drama…just a quiet dance that only few are privy to. And divorce? Not even one.  Keep her face right in society, she’ll keep yours right too. It was never ignorance by any means, but never bliss either. It was real life. Does that make it right? Not necessarily. But it worked for them. Those marriages weren’t mine. God bless them.

So is it cultural? Are West Indian women more tolerant of such behaviour because of  these examples? I do wonder that. (Blog regarding my take on gender roles forthcoming!) Note: to tolerate something doesn’t mean you like it or are happy with it. Do we deal with it differently because of what American society will accept, versus what unspoken rules we saw our mothers and grandmothers play by? Unless there’s a huge lifestyle sacrifice to be made, the media would have you believe that to run for the nearest divorce court is the only solution…or you’re a doormat. But is that really how infidelity is dealt with overall? I think many people settle and tolerate more than they’ll ever admit, even in simple relationships. Bring that to marriage level and there’s a lot more to lose.

And let’s be clear, cheating in a relationship is way different than cheating in a marriage. A vow that unites your credit and bank accounts before God is sacred and nothing to be taken lightly.

Will and Jada Smith have drawn fire, as have Monique and….uhh…Mr. Monique, for having unshaven ape legs “open marriages”. But what if your spouse came to you and said “there’s someone I met that I want to…and I felt I should tell you…this is our marriage and it’s forever…but can I have two hours to explore something else?” I’d die. I appreciate and admire the idea of that honesty, but ummm, NO. Works for them, but I might catch a case behind that conversation.

And, perhaps my favourite of all the arguments, we have the “monogamy isn’t natural in mankind… look at mammals in the animal kingdom” people. I did. Swans, wolves, and barn owls mate for life. Screw your whole argument.

Finally, there’s that age-old saying: “ignorance is bliss”. What if your spouse was so good at what they did on the side that you never knew? I mean flawless execution. Not one skip or slip up. How would you even know anything was amiss to pick with it?  You wouldn’t. Scary thought. What if ignorance really was bliss? Karma’s a slutty little trollop though – she gets it in with everyone eventually. “If you draw / better be Picasso…” -Jay-Z, “Friend or Foe“

Welp, for me, the bottom line is this: yes, in marriage, each couple makes their own rules based on their own trust and relationship beneath it all. Those rules are unique to them. Sometimes the rules are spoken; sometimes they’re understood in silence. But they have to be followed, or everyone loses. Take off the rose-colored glasses and agree before making a vow of any kind.  In no way, nor by any means, do I think ALL men cheat, but I do KNOW that all men are tempted.  How they handle that temptation is where it gets sticky. (TWSS!)

One day, we’ll sit and make the rules together before we put each other FIRST forever, and the only two I know for sure are that 1) divorce isn’t an option, and 2) my face is your face; keep mine right and I’ll do the same. Some rules will be spoken, some will simply be mutually understood. Marriage is what you make it, and when I DO…mine is gonna make it.

*Writer’s note: Four male friends read this post before publishing. The two West Indian men who read it kinda nodded their head in resigned recognition and relayed some similar family stories. The two American men read it and simply said: “…so your husband is allowed to cheat?! Sign me up!” Two vastly different takeaways. SMH…

Just a quick message of appreciation from me to you!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME_ihLQ5P5s]

Articles in the works for this week:

• I Do’s…and I Don’ts – some random thoughts on marriage and fidelity
• Nancy Drew Sleeps Alone…and It’s No Mystery Why – see this post on snooping on www.avenue1online.com on Thursday AM!
• He, She, We – my take on gender roles and where they fit in the home…specifically MY home