I’m Not The Type To Have A Threesome…But If I Was…

…there’d be a lot of conditions  and points to consider. A LOT. Like, you just might not wanna bother trying to ever convince me. Trimming a lawn with dental floss might be a more inviting task.

Seems to me that a threesome is the top glamorized, sexed up fantasy wishlist item for every man out there, whether he admits it or not. But I have an answer for everything. Every. Damn. Thing. My works of reason will suck the joy out of flying kites and eating cotton candy if you let me.  And since I’ve been asked, to the same final NO each time, I’ve had time to do my research and perfect my arguments. Feel free to borrow them and use to negotiate or negate. I won’t judge you!

These would be my terms:

1) Number Three cannot be another dude.
I think this one is pretty obvious, but that down low ish will catch you sleeping if you let it.  Who are these women who are cool with that much meat coming at them at once? And who are these guys who agree to it? Crossed swords just sound awkward for everyone involved. If I were to see that, I’d look askance at my man every time he undressed. I can only imagine how my  man might feel. YUCK.

2) We need to agree on taste in women. I get final approval.
She can’t be everything your overweight-midget-with-a-limp-porn fantasies demand and leave me with this face: O-O I don’t care what I agreed to, I’m leaving. And since this activity is to fulfill something you want, I don’t think making sure she’s not a The Hills Have Eyes reject is a small request.

3) She cannot be someone already known to you.
If you come up so handily with “Geeee, I just happen to have a friend…”, that tells me you scoped her out before we had this conversation, perhaps even for other reasons of your own.  Sorry, but we can’t use that one last heaux you meant to fuck but didn’t get around to number you took in the club before we got together.  We’re also not using your freaky ex. She is NOT rocking with you tonight for old time’s sake. Reminisce booty? Not on my watch, Bub.

4) We have to agree on how to find her.
We live in the internet age, but is this something you really want to take an ad out for? How does a couple go about finding a third in a safe way, without sounding like a Bonnie & Clyde/Kidnap You For Prostitution Ring scam? Craigslist is skeevy. We’re talking about inviting someone into our bed, not asking them to come take our leftover sofa for $20. I don’t want those used cushions. Thanks. O_o

Other options include hitting up a swinger’s club (I’d go, but just for shits and giggles with my partner), befriending a stripper and talking her into it, hiring a professional, bar hopping and hunting together… so many choices and none sound appealing to me. I guess the best one is bar hopping and hunting together. Takes away the ability to pre-plan it, as you never know when/if you’ll find her, but it’s a way to make sure everyone’s on the same page and do the deed before anyone can think about it too much.  SIDENOTE: I don’t know the best way, and you shouldn’t know and be too eager with the suggestions here either, Buddy. BE. EASY.

5) I don’t want to have to see her ever again. Anywhere.
Running into her after the act, by accident, in a normal course of daily life, would be less than ideal. We can’t choose someone we might see at the grocery store, someone only twice removed from our social circle, or connected too closely to our daily lives. She’s not auditioning to be a new BFF to either of us. She’s disposable. (Sorry to all you ladies that have been 3s, out there reading this. Truth hurts.) In that spirit, sub-rule 5 is that neither of us can contact her solo. If we both reach out, that’s fine, assuming it has  been mutually agreed upon. I mean, maybe it’ll be a good night afterall! Hey! Who knows! Freak how ya wanna freak! But neither of us can make contact without the other being privy and part of it.

6) I don’t have to tell you what I’m NOT doing with Number Three, do I?!  DO I?!?!
Okay good. Because that shit’s not even happening on your birthday, on Christmas Day, Canada Day, Doris Day, the day you won the lottery…NO. I. WON’T.  ::straightens hair and ditches the crazy eye:: That said, ladies, agree on limits with your partner so as to manage expectations for everyone involved. *cough*

Overall, all these conditions are rooted to one thing for me: trust. It’s a major factor. We’ve all seen the threesome-gone-wrong movies. What if she’s crazy and and wants me for herself? Oh, yeah…I mean…or you…yeah…you all for herself.

For this reason, some say it’s something to do with a person you’re not emotionally connected to or invested in, making it more an activity to be had with a jump-off or a fling.

I disagree. Flings and jump-offs owe you nothing and discretion is a fading art form.  I couldn’t even see this scenario with someone I couldn’t truly trust. I’m a firm believer that in a real relationship, you should be willing to “go there” with your partner and try new things at least once in an environment where you can be free, safe, and comfortable.  If anyone IS uncomfortable, you never have to do it again. No judgement. No fear. Just safe exploration between two consenting adults. Right? Yeah. In a perfect world anyway.  But why not increase the odds of a good outcome? I can’t imagine THIS much freedom or comfort with a transient.

Lots to think about before agreeing, and some of these aren’t so easy to consider, but they usually ended the conversation where it stood. Imagine having a dusty, 2 inch thick, bound agreement thrust at you at the mere mention of “menage”. Yep. That’s the effect these rules have.  A threesome could be a great night to remember and repeat or the worst moment of your relationship. Don’t take it too lightly in the name of a porn .

Whew! Thank God I’ll never have to worry about any of this because I’m not the type to have a threesome…but if I waaaaas…

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