If You Cannot Be Faithful…

…for fuck’s sake, at least be loyal.

Look them up in a dictionary and the words seem almost exact reflections, one used reciprocally to define the other. But I don’t see them that way.

One misstep, whether premeditated or spontaneous, and fidelity is broken. You have been unfaithful in that one instant…and it cannot be undone.

But in loyalty, there is an air of time-tested regard. It is an ongoing behaviour that has been established over time, with a strong track record of success.

“Faithful” asks you to make the same choice over and over…where “loyal” asks you to make the choice that is best for my outcome in the situation. Sometimes, that is the same choice as for fidelity. In a perfect world, that would always be the case. But we live in an imperfect world. So sometimes…it’s not.

As I get older, I see friendships, relationships, and even marriages in some cases, grow more complex, and I realize that in some people’s nature, simple faithfulness is too much to ask. But is faithfulness so simple when so many fail at it? No, it’s not. Ideally, I want both. Everyone does. Usually, we’re not given the chance to choose though. A series of events puts us in a position where one or both are compromised and we are forced to decide what to do in a broken-pieces situation. But given the choice, I’d rank “loyal” above “faithful”. I REQUIRE loyalty.

I was talking with a friend several months ago and realized where I see the distinction. I can’t help it – I sometimes hold a grudge. And I mean like NO other. I may forgive, but I tend to not forget. Whether that’s good or bad is up to interpretation of the scenario I guess.  If  it’s a moment of (extremely) poor judgment, I can get past it and we can work through it. But a series of the same transgression means you MEANT to do it…and you KNEW what you were doing as you hurt me. That, to me, is complete disloyalty.

In friendships, in romantic relationships…if I have to question why you’re here or where your intentions lie, you might find yourself shut out. It’s never a slow-so-you-don’t-notice thing. Ohhhh, you know.

I have a dear girlfriend who has known me for 8 years. I regard her as a sister. If I ask her “{NAME REDACTED}, what color is loyalty?”, she will correctly and immediately reply “black and white”. To me, it is. There is no grey in the answer to “are you with me or against me?”

Just like there is no “a little pregnant” or “a little dead”, there is no “a little loyal”. You are or you aren’t. If I ask you the question, have the right answer.

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