You know, I wasn’t really compelled to write anything about Valentine’s Day this year. I felt like I covered it pretty well in my Avenue1Online.com column. ::plug plug plug::

I sent my mother and sisters their annual flowers from my son (my mom’s a widow and my sisters are unmarried), and I surprised my son with his card and favorite candy when he grumbled his way out of the shower this morning.

“::grumble::grumble::grumble:: THANK YOU MOMMYYYYYY!”

I managed to not get bowled over by a crew of small deliverymen carrying large vases of roses and made my way into my midtown office.  Despite feeling sick as shit a little under the weather, I made lunch plans with a dear girlfriend who’s slowly rising from the sadness of widowhood. All in all, a good start to the day!

And then I come on Facebook and Twitter to see you heauxs.  Oh not YOUUUU heauxs (sorry, false alarm), but the heauxs I’m talking about right now…the bitter ones.  It’s easy to recognize them. Here, on the internet, observe them in their natural habitat, engaged in the annual anti-love tirade:

From Facebook:

“Mary B. Unhappy  says F*ck Valentine’s Day! Stupid Holiday!”
“Angel Evermad is gonna rip dem wing offa cupid if she catch him…”
“Sheila Snootyton is hiding till the madness is over. F*ck love.”

Um…wow ladies. Who shat in your handbag this morning?  Cupid…apparently.

But it’s not just the ladies. This year I see just as many anti-Valentine/love/happiness sentiments from men as from women. So I ask you all this:  if you put out negative messages like that about a day that’s supposed to celebrate love, what do you THINK is gonna come of it? That’s right. You’re saying to everyone “I’m bitter and miserable. Leave me alone.”

And they will.

Now, I may crack jokes about Valentine’s Day and I surely see how it’s an overly hyped commercial success for card and chocolate manufacturer’s alike. But that’s all it will be, if that’s all you make it.  There’s another point to the day: a day to stop and celebrate the love you have in all arenas: family, friends, children…YOURSELF. (Sure, we should do it every day. You should also brush and floss after every meal, but do you? Okay then, shut up.)

Who are you folks trying to convince with these status messages and tweets of the same nature? And why would you WANT someone to think you’re that bitter and hopeless? I can understand being a bit down if you don’t have a romantic interest to share the day with. And I’ve seen my share of great relationship hopes go south on the Hellbound Express. But since when is “whine and wallow” an attractive option to get laid?  Maybe y’all don’t realize how you sound.  Let me translate.

“Mary B. Unhappy  says F*ck Valentine’s Day! Stupid Holiday!”
She means:
“Mary B. Unhappy  is jealous of those in a relationship because she doesn’t have one of her own. ::sad face::”

“Angel Evermad is gonna rip dem wing offa cupid if she catch him…”
She means:
“Angel Evermad was cheated on in her last dating attempt and is now wary of trying again…”

“Sheila Snootyton is hiding till the madness is over. F*ck love.”
She means:
“Sheila Snootyton is kinda lonely and wishes someone would ask her out to a  movie or something.”

So…did I get that right? Is that what you’re trying to convey?  Because that’s how all that mess reads. You’re. Bitter. And it’s not very becoming.

My grandmother showed me better than she could ever tell me: if you walk with love, you’ll always have love.  Keep some inside for YOU. Fill your world, difficult as life can sometimes seem, with small reserves of love and happiness that you can tap into. Maybe it’s flowers on your desk as a treat every week (I do this); perhaps a picture that makes you smile in your wallet; or a scent that uplifts you and makes you feel good. But do it! You deserve it!

So on this Valentine’s Day, I’m asking you…no, TELLING YOU: fix that shit, you’re bringing me down, asshole.

=) XOXO,
Eva

…for fuck’s sake, at least be loyal.

Look them up in a dictionary and the words seem almost exact reflections, one used reciprocally to define the other. But I don’t see them that way.

One misstep, whether premeditated or spontaneous, and fidelity is broken. You have been unfaithful in that one instant…and it cannot be undone.

But in loyalty, there is an air of time-tested regard. It is an ongoing behaviour that has been established over time, with a strong track record of success.

“Faithful” asks you to make the same choice over and over…where “loyal” asks you to make the choice that is best for my outcome in the situation. Sometimes, that is the same choice as for fidelity. In a perfect world, that would always be the case. But we live in an imperfect world. So sometimes…it’s not.

As I get older, I see friendships, relationships, and even marriages in some cases, grow more complex, and I realize that in some people’s nature, simple faithfulness is too much to ask. But is faithfulness so simple when so many fail at it? No, it’s not. Ideally, I want both. Everyone does. Usually, we’re not given the chance to choose though. A series of events puts us in a position where one or both are compromised and we are forced to decide what to do in a broken-pieces situation. But given the choice, I’d rank “loyal” above “faithful”. I REQUIRE loyalty.

I was talking with a friend several months ago and realized where I see the distinction. I can’t help it – I sometimes hold a grudge. And I mean like NO other. I may forgive, but I tend to not forget. Whether that’s good or bad is up to interpretation of the scenario I guess.  If  it’s a moment of (extremely) poor judgment, I can get past it and we can work through it. But a series of the same transgression means you MEANT to do it…and you KNEW what you were doing as you hurt me. That, to me, is complete disloyalty.

In friendships, in romantic relationships…if I have to question why you’re here or where your intentions lie, you might find yourself shut out. It’s never a slow-so-you-don’t-notice thing. Ohhhh, you know.

I have a dear girlfriend who has known me for 8 years. I regard her as a sister. If I ask her “{NAME REDACTED}, what color is loyalty?”, she will correctly and immediately reply “black and white”. To me, it is. There is no grey in the answer to “are you with me or against me?”

Just like there is no “a little pregnant” or “a little dead”, there is no “a little loyal”. You are or you aren’t. If I ask you the question, have the right answer.

apology: (n) a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse or sorrow at having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another

apololie: (n) same shit as above, except one didn’t mean a damn word of it, as evidenced by one’s repeat of the offensive behaviour without care, potentially resulting in me choking the shit out of one loss of trust

An apology is a pretty universal form of making right when you’ve made wrong, be it by accident or on purpose. The most basic and fundamental two words can mean so much in repairing a damaged situation: “I’m sorry.” Sometimes, they’re even enough all by themselves. Two words to repair! That’s it! But…if you’re like a friend of mine…they’re two words to amnesia and repeat offenses. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The ApoloLIE.

Let’s call my ApoloLIAR pal “Dave”. Dave and I have a mutual friend who also finds this to be true of him. We’ll call her “Carrie”. They’ll have a disagreement, he’ll do or say something to hurt her feelings, not speak for a few days, and then I’ll ask how it turned out.

Carrie: “We’re okay now. He apoloLIEd like usual and we’re going to Cheesecake Factory on Friday.”

Me: O_o

Call me crazy, but if I know you’re apoloLYing, you can just keep it. The first time you hurt my feelings, I can accept your apology. Generally, it means that you acknowledge your part in the hurt and will pay attention to not do it again. A second time, and you’re clearly not paying attention. I’m going to proceed with caution now, because obviously I can’t trust you with my feelings about whatever it is. But a THIRD time, and even further along? Oh, you’re just saying “I’m sorry” as if you sneeze mindless apologies. God bless you and get lost. I just can’t take your word for anything and you might just be cut off.

ApoloLIES are best told with words like “heartfelt” and “sincerely”, with the occasional “from the bottom of my heart” thrown in for extra believability. Dave is a true pro: pulling out all the big guns when needed. He even sent flowers once! Now, someone who truly is apologizing might do these same things. The difference is that they don’t do them every few months for the same thing.  It took a while for me to recognize him as an apoloLIAR, but now that I have, I limit my exposure.  If you put your real feelings and trust into the hands of someone who doesn’t value them, you’re ASKING to lose.

Know someone apoloLYing to you? Adjust YOUR behaviour by protecting your feelings. You can’t change an apoloLIAR, but you can change how much weight you give their words. Worse yet, are YOU the one full of apoloLIES? I guarantee people around you are having this same conversation about you. Might wanna fix that in 2011.

So kids, the moral of the story is this: real apologies are ACTIONS, not words. True regret yields changed behaviour, not careless repeats.

Maya Angelou said it best:

“When people show you who they are, believe them.“