He Blinded Me With Penis… Dickmatization Explained

He Blinded Me With Science Penis…

Yep. It happens…as much as I hate to admit it.

What is “it”, you ask?

Dickmatization. The act of laying pipe on a woman so well that she is in a nonsensical trance, where every rational thought she had on a subject seemingly departs the second he and his penis enter the room vagina. Forget being hypnotized…sister, you’ve been DICKMATIZED. ::cues Biggie track, with “Dickmatize” subbing through the verses for “HypMAtize…which is NOT a word, Big…::

That thing she wanted to talk to him about so urgently? Gone. How pissed she is that he’s consistently 1 hour late for everything? Evaporated. That pink slip she was about to hand his triflin ass? Traded for the warm washcloth and sandwich she’s handing him now. Before you know it, you’re in the kitchen asking “How do you like your eggs?”, when you planned on asking “Harpo, who dis woman?!”.

We inadvertently make all kinds of concessions and trade-downs to keep it coming.

Worst part? They know it too. This is almost as bad as the moment some woman betrayed us all and told them how we use the word “girth”. (Note: if you’re the one man in the man village who was NOT told, I’d consult your brothers. Clearly, they think you’re the village idiot.)

Yes, many lames have been granted a stay of execution for that one simple fact: “Good dick can do shit bad dick can’t”, as so eloquently told to me by a dear male friend, scalped from Rob Stapleton in Bad Boys of Comedy*. (He whipped that line out like a Deepak Chopra mantra! ::pictures him sitting cross-legged on the floor, chanting that every morning::)

And it happens to smart girls, dumb girls, pretty girls and homely girls. No one is immune to the art of a well slung penis. ::sigh:: It happened to me once too.

I was dating someone who was handsome, successful in his field, funny…and painfully dumb. I couldn’t go more than a few sentences before being asked to define a word I had used, or to do the math on a restaurant check…no, REALLY. As handsome as he would look in a tux at my side, I knew I couldn’t take him to the black tie events I attended: he wouldn’t follow the finance industry conversations. As charming as he was, my girls would DEFINITELY judge me for bringing him to a group dinner if they saw him hand me the check and a pen with a “do the math?” face. Nope, he had to go. I was off the market and all kinds of better suited fish were swimming past me! I would dump him tonight. And then we’d see each other…I’d get pinned to the headboard fall for his charm…and I’d resolve that maybe he’d take algebra lessons and read the dictionary between now and our next date. He never did. I DID eventually break the spell and end it though. Had to go cold turkey – no calls, no dates, no texts. By the time it dawned on him that he was being let go, I was better able to dump him, having put some distance between me and his manhood the situation.

And that’s it, girls. The only known cure for dickmatization: going cold penis turkey. Don’t go near it, don’t talk to it, don’t be in the same room alone with it. If you do, you’ll fall right back under the spell. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely a place in every girl’s life for that dude whose sole purpose is to lay pipe and lay it well. However, if you’re making concessions, accepting less than what you want, or behaving out of character to get it…you’ve been dickmatized.

::Biggie voice:: “Dickmatize!  …and I just love your flashy ways / guess that’s why they broke / and you’re so paid…” ::Diddy bop::

*See a clip of the performance here – scroll to 7:40 performance mark:

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