Google the phrase “how to keep him/her faithful” and you’re sure to come up with over 15 pages of results.

Most of them are articles advising of little tricks in bed, new meals to cook, places to take her. Sadly, some are even from reputable publications like Essence Magazine. A few weeks ago, they stirred the pot with “How To Keep Black Men Happy and Faithful”. (Sheeeeeit, I know plenty happy black men who are NOT faithful…might even be part of why they’re happy!) Melyssa Ford came under fire for stating what I think is the obvious: it’s not your job to keep your partner faithful, and if they cheat, it’s not your fault. Why? Because babies, cheaters cheat…hence the name.

In truth, these articles will drive you CRAZY if you’re buying into all the nonsense that they insinuate about how you can prevent it. They sell lots of magazine copies to lots of women set on making their relationships “cheat proof”… and set them up for a very big fall if they ever find out their partner cheated afterall. “After all I did for his/her triflin’ ass!” <– Heard that before?

Make all the casseroles you want, put in jaw work till they’re wired shut for a month…the truth? It won’t keep a cheater from cheating. I once heard a male friend rationalize, “Well, if I got THIS good good here – bet I can find another and make it two!” Ahhhh, the Coochie Collector… S…M…D…H… (Wait, what was that ::thud::? Some of y’all still thought good pussy kept a man faithful? Oh. I’m sorry. Honey, here’s a cold compress. Get off the floor, boo.)

Let’s talk definitions:

• cheat: (v) 1. to defraud; swindle 2. to practice deceit 3. to violate rules
  (n) 1. one who cheats 2. fraud

The phrase that jumps out at me most: to violate rules. In a relationship, perhaps the most obvious rules are these 1) I won’t be with anyone else but you, and 2) I will be honest with you. These are usually unspoken and taken as self-evident because,…well, they go with being in a relationship. They are without question self-evident in marriage.

Still, if a person has the desire to cheat on you, they will. The busiest person will find or make the time to do what they want to do. It’s called free will. Sometimes even people in seemingly satisfying, happy relationships and marriages with everything they could ever want cheat…and use boredom as an excuse. And it’s not just men, lest you think this blog is biased simply because a woman writes it. Women cheat too.

So what’s a non-cheater to do? Your best. That is all. Be the best you that you can be, not for THEM, but for YOU. Fulfill who YOU are, and you can’t help but be giving the best of you to those around you, including your partner. Empty pitchers can’t fill empty cups. You don’t owe anyone anything…except you.

Don’t own or accept responsibility for anyone else’s indiscretions. You didn’t cause them, and you sure can’t prevent them. Now, I know for a fact that some of you are hacking emails, breaking cell phone security codes, and sorting through pocket contents as we speak. But you know what you’re actually doing? Driving yourself crazy and feeding paranoia. And if you DO find something, how will you bring it up anyway?

“I was going through your pubic hairs stuff and found….” The reply? “You went through my WHAT?! Awww hell no! RAH RAH RAH RAH RAH! You’re crazy!” ::door slam::

Welp. That went well, Super Sleuth.

Before you stoop to those lows, better to leave with your dignity. The simple truth is that you can’t be everywhere at once, and if your relationship is truly built on trust, you shouldn’t have to be. If someone betrays that trust, that’s between them and their God.

You – pick up your shit and hit them with it leave.

He Blinded Me With Science Penis…

Yep. It happens…as much as I hate to admit it.

What is “it”, you ask?

Dickmatization. The act of laying pipe on a woman so well that she is in a nonsensical trance, where every rational thought she had on a subject seemingly departs the second he and his penis enter the room vagina. Forget being hypnotized…sister, you’ve been DICKMATIZED. ::cues Biggie track, with “Dickmatize” subbing through the verses for “HypMAtize…which is NOT a word, Big…::

That thing she wanted to talk to him about so urgently? Gone. How pissed she is that he’s consistently 1 hour late for everything? Evaporated. That pink slip she was about to hand his triflin ass? Traded for the warm washcloth and sandwich she’s handing him now. Before you know it, you’re in the kitchen asking “How do you like your eggs?”, when you planned on asking “Harpo, who dis woman?!”.

We inadvertently make all kinds of concessions and trade-downs to keep it coming.

Worst part? They know it too. This is almost as bad as the moment some woman betrayed us all and told them how we use the word “girth”. (Note: if you’re the one man in the man village who was NOT told, I’d consult your brothers. Clearly, they think you’re the village idiot.)

Yes, many lames have been granted a stay of execution for that one simple fact: “Good dick can do shit bad dick can’t”, as so eloquently told to me by a dear male friend, scalped from Rob Stapleton in Bad Boys of Comedy*. (He whipped that line out like a Deepak Chopra mantra! ::pictures him sitting cross-legged on the floor, chanting that every morning::)

And it happens to smart girls, dumb girls, pretty girls and homely girls. No one is immune to the art of a well slung penis. ::sigh:: It happened to me once too.

I was dating someone who was handsome, successful in his field, funny…and painfully dumb. I couldn’t go more than a few sentences before being asked to define a word I had used, or to do the math on a restaurant check…no, REALLY. As handsome as he would look in a tux at my side, I knew I couldn’t take him to the black tie events I attended: he wouldn’t follow the finance industry conversations. As charming as he was, my girls would DEFINITELY judge me for bringing him to a group dinner if they saw him hand me the check and a pen with a “do the math?” face. Nope, he had to go. I was off the market and all kinds of better suited fish were swimming past me! I would dump him tonight. And then we’d see each other…I’d get pinned to the headboard fall for his charm…and I’d resolve that maybe he’d take algebra lessons and read the dictionary between now and our next date. He never did. I DID eventually break the spell and end it though. Had to go cold turkey – no calls, no dates, no texts. By the time it dawned on him that he was being let go, I was better able to dump him, having put some distance between me and his manhood the situation.

And that’s it, girls. The only known cure for dickmatization: going cold penis turkey. Don’t go near it, don’t talk to it, don’t be in the same room alone with it. If you do, you’ll fall right back under the spell. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely a place in every girl’s life for that dude whose sole purpose is to lay pipe and lay it well. However, if you’re making concessions, accepting less than what you want, or behaving out of character to get it…you’ve been dickmatized.

::Biggie voice:: “Dickmatize!  …and I just love your flashy ways / guess that’s why they broke / and you’re so paid…” ::Diddy bop::

*See a clip of the performance here – scroll to 7:40 performance mark:

Just wanted to touch base with you all before I take the fam on a trip!   Be blessed!  =)

Sidenote: Why is YouTube playin’ me on the video thumbnail? Y’all see this! I look drunk as hell, but I swear I’m not at 5am in this!

Earlier today, I read an inflammatory blog on another site entitled “8 Reasons to Date A White Man”, purportedly written by a Black woman who describes her husband as “dark-skinned, 100 percent cocoa”. I call this particular piece inflammatory not because of the ironic opposition of its title against her husband’s description, but because it did nothing but put Black men down, and exult white men over them using ridiculous stereotypical descriptions of each.

I swore I wouldn’t give it a bit of shine, but I have to show you how ridiculous some of those 8 reasons were:

5. They don’t glamourize ignorance. They may listen to rap music, but they are smart enough not to act it out. The “thug life” is not something to be aspired. White men have a firmer grasp on what really defines manhood.

Aww look, a lil sneak-diss at Black masculinity. And no white man ever glamourizes ignorance? *cough*Paul Wall*cough*

#7. Have the ability to look beyond your past. Ever wonder why White people can date the friends of exes and so on? It’s because they don’t let the past hinder the present. Promiscuous Black men think they deserve to settle down with virgins, and allow past relationships to haunt the present. Not White men. They have no problem turning a hoe into a housewife.

Um, that last line? Did the writer just suggest that all Black women are “hoes” with a past that needs forgiving? Pardon me?

There was other nonsense about White men being better with money management, not finding college educated women intimidating like Black men do because they have degrees themselves…::checks:: I can’t name one Black man I know without a degree…

I could sit here and tell you about the White men I’ve given a shot, only to have them kook out or whip out a racial slur with an “Oh, but you’re not *really* Black” disclaimer attached to it. I could go point for point on all 8 of the writer’s reasons and show you how rife with self-hatred and silly socio-economic prejudices they are…but I won’t. Nor will I attempt to exult Black men over white in a ridiculous tit-for-tat. Instead, I want to share MY thoughts, in support of the Black men maligned as a whole by those stereotypes not just in an article, but every day.

• 8. No one says “baby” like a Black man. It’s true for me. There is nothing like hearing the richness of his voice when he says “Baby, it’s gonna be okay,” or “C’mere, baby.” There’s just something about it. Something in his tone is a honey-laden embrace that puts me at ease in his arms.
• 7. When I look at him, I see the image of the amazing Black men who were father figures to me. It’s very true that a little girl first falls in love with her fatherly figure. In my case, that was split among my grandfather, my uncles, and my godfather.  When I look at him, I also see the man my son will one day grow up to be. In that instant, I fall in love all over again.
• 6. He relates to me and my experiences because his are similar. There is an unspoken kinship there – a host of things I don’t have to explain to say why they shaped my views or actions. Could I explain them to someone of another race? Sure. Have I? Absolutely. But it’s different when you share the same viewpoint and face similar obstacles on a personal level.
• 5. Brothas, no one rocks a suited-and-booted look like you. When you walk in a room, this woman takes notice. And let you smell good too?! Slayed. Absolutely SLAYED. Whether you’re working that DeBargian forcefield of caramel or a succulent shade of mocha, no one struts like you do. LAWD!…which brings me to my next point…
• 4. Y’all offer such a vast array of looks: from T.I. to Morris Chestnut, Michael Ealy to Idris Elba, El Debarge to Taye Diggs…it’s like being in a candy store…Yum.
• 3. I’m so proud of you for your courage and strength to face what this world slings your way. Let’s keep it real: this country has a vicious history of racism and savage behaviour within its own borders. That said, I’m not one for excuses at all. Get up, get out, and do something. Make it happen. We don’t face what our parents did in the 60′s. We do, however, still have to deal with the deeply ingrained after-effects of slavery.  In this country, Black men are vilified before being celebrated in the media.
• 2. Sex appeal. No full sentence needed. You were all waiting for me to say it anyway! Maybe it’s that whole rhythym thing…maybe it’s size…maybe it’s the fact that your penis isn’t pink…O_o I dunno. It just is. It’s not so much a gift from Baby Jesus, so much as a gift from Mary Magdalene. *winks*
• 1. My face is your face. It’s truly that simple. Mixed girl though I may be, to speak against all Black men as a whole is to speak against myself. To malign every Black man to to slit my own wrists. Nope. Not gonna do it. Not this nigress… No self hatred here.

Now, some of the reasons I outlined above aren’t unique to just Black men, and you could apply them to the race of your choice…just like the barbs in the original “8 Reasons To Date White Men” article.

As a woman who is both Black and White, who has dated both Black and White, I encourage you to find and celebrate love where it lies: in the heart – not in skintone. Love is to be cherished, no matter who you find it with – it’s meant to be colorblind. Everyone is welcome to have preferences. But when you start condemning whole races of either sex with broad strokes? You’ve missed the whole point of love in the first place. Assholes come in all colors and shades, black and white alike. Stop dating them, no matter what color they are! I can’t cosign that.

Love for love’s sake? I’m all for it. Now get off the internet and go find it! =)